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| As you guys may or may not know, I am the director for a company that gets most of its sales from the internet (www.chinastudyabroad.org). Now, we're working on budgeting and it's come to my attention that we pay an EXTORTIONATE amount for our advertising on Google ($15,000 USD/month). Ridiculous, I know. Anyway, most web traffic to sites comes from two places: search engines and paid advertising. We do both, but if we can make our "organic" search engine placement higher than we could save a whole lot of money. (Organic is like if you type "China Study Abroad" or "study abroad in Beijing" into a Google search and a list of websites come up.) If I could save the company $15,000 a month, then I might be able to lower our prices even further, pay my employees more, and maybe finally make some money myself! So, we do a lot of SEO/SEM work using agencies in India, but another great way is just to have a lot of people going to your site of their own accord and then having people link to it.
So, what we've done is started having blogs on the website. (We also have videos, but I'm still working on improving those. Nonetheless, check them out at the main site.) However, now I have to ask that if you have any interest at all in what it's like to study in China, or just really feel like wasting time, come read our blogs and leave comments!
Thanks, you're awesome. The more people who read, the more people will want to write. (Also, I blog here sometimes on the staff blog. It's too difficult to blog on xanga because of the Great Firewall of China)
Staff Blog:
http://chinastudyabroad5.org/blogs/staffblog/
Student Blogs:
http://chinastudyabroad5.org/blogs/bethanyallen/
http://chinastudyabroad5.org/blogs/vivianhuang/
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| And after a very long absence (really getting on to Xanga has never been harder in China, I swear)
In the past two months I have spent many hours in airplanes, trains,
and buses. From the looks of it, this will be the last airplane ride of
2008. But it seems that things always come up, be it work emergencies,
visa problems, or last second backpacking trips. These are all
legitimate reasons to travel in my book. Admittedly, legitimacy isn't
all that difficult.
Since August, I estimate that I have spent at least fourteen hours on
trains, 21 hours on busses, two hours in ferries, ten hours in a car,
and over 30 hours in airplanes. I cannot remember how many nights I
have spent outside of my bed.
The last time I traveled this much consecutively was when backpacking
through Europe for two and a half months with my best friend. I loved
it. I love the spontaneity of deciding destinations on impulse and
never knowing the next place I would lay down to sleep. It gives life
such an immediacy, almost like I am faking a sort of survival
mode--although the only real danger was running out of money and having
to call cranky parents.
Now that I am somewhat older, the travel is a lot less exciting.
Bringing dress shirts, ties, matching belts and shoes takes survival
out of it. As does remebering to tip the maid and reminding the front
desk to send up an iron. Granted, business meetings offer their own
sort of excitement, but it still feels like playing a game. My coworker
would say that it's a game I take too seriously, but you can ask
anyone: I play every game too seriously.
Strangely enough, it seems that I don't take real life seriously. Let
me clarify, I guess that real life is so serious to me that I cannot
take it seriously as I would a game. In fact, the only things I seem to
succeed in at life lately are things I consider games, like business
and dating. Not that these are trivial matters, nor do I treat them as
such, but it always seems like there is some clear form of winning
involved which changes the paradigm for me.
Anything that is incredibly important to me, such as my life goals,
seems to take the backseat to the current game I am playing. Maybe it
is because my mind, or the world, probably both, has convinced me that
my actual goals are unattainable.
In poker there is a term for a poker table that will never be
profitable. I believe it's called an unbeatable game. This happens when
the actual structure of the game makes it so that there is little to no
money to be made, and most of the money goes to the house in rake,
something like a casino use tax. The easiest way to recognize an
unbeatable game without using any math is to look at the chip stacks of
the players. If everyone's amount of chips stays the same despite
people continually reaching into their wallets to buy more chips, then
the casino must be taking more than its fair share. Another term for
this is a "zero sum game", which means the most money you can possibly
make is the money already on the table. This is the opposite of the
stock market where the most you can make is completely undefinable and,
if you play shorts, you can lose much more than just the money you put
in.
Right now I am playing a profitable game, in both the literal and
figurative sense. And the long term goals that I have become less and
less important to me as I become more successful at the current game.
From an economic perspective, it makes sense to stick with the current
game, especially if the other games are unbeatable, or worse, losing
games.
However, most people that play poker lose. If they all followed the
laws of economics, then the majority of people wouldn't play poker. But
without them, the entire world of poker would become a zero sum game
because eventually all the good players would win the money and bad
players would stop. The competition level would continually rise until
only a select few were profitable, and eventually there would be no one
to profit from because losing players, that may very well have been
winning players against weaker competition, keep quitting making poker
an unprofitable game. Thank god most people don't think like
economists, otherwise mediocre players like me would just be bad. The
gross product of the poker market is alive and well.
This evidences a different motivation for most people. In Bhutan they
do not have a GDP (gross domestic product). Instead they, somehow,
gauge their GDH (gross domestic happiness). I am not saying that I buy
it, but it is an intriguing paradigm shift. It surely would explain why
so many losing players keep playing poker--well, that and a supreme
lack of any accounting skills whatsoever. (I wouldn't be surprised if
the latter proved to be the more influential factor.) People want to
have fun and be happy.
If I approached my life in a purely economic sense it would probably
look different. I am not really sure how. But I most definitely would
not have studied the humanities. But to say that I kept happiness in
mind would also be apocryphal. I would argue that I was looking to
increase my life's meaning.
Gauging GDH seems like child's play compared to measuring a life's
meaning. But that was how I calculated the worth of my own life. Or the
worth of continuing that life.
Nowadays, I just focus on my economic and emotional well being.
Basically, I try to make money and be happy. It's like a game, but one
that I admittably, but not altogether regrettably, regard as devoid of
meaning outside of winning for the sake of winning. It certainly has
made life much easier.
But still, when I am not anxious about these games I start missing my
meaning. Immediately, I ask myself "How can you miss something that you
claim to never have had?"
Even though my former life goals seem like unbeatable games, and I
never was all that goos at them, I guess I still feel compelled to
play; I am no better than a vegas junkie hoping for the dealer to bust.
Perhaps I would prefer to be a losing player at the game I love than a
winning player at the game everyone else loves. I guess only time and a
few key life decisions will tell. Until then, at least the traveling is
constant, if not as exciting.
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| Sorry if this post seems sort of… out of it, but I just read an article about the medical marijuana industry and now I’m feeling sort of high, not anything substantial of course. Whenever I reminisce about drug use, my brain kinda turns on in some way and I’ll be reminded of how it felt to be on that drug, almost like a memory or nostalgia. Kinda like if you listen to a song that was like your song with an ex lover, then your memory kinda stirs and you sort of remember what it was like to have really strong feelings for that person. Anyway, it only happens when I think about ecstasy, but this is the first time I’ve had weed nostalgia. Weird right? But I’m really kinda spaced out, and I’m getting that feeling like everything around me is a lot bigger than it’s supposed to be and my eyes feel unfocused…and of course my hands look absolutely gigantic. Anyway, I’m sure that perception has a lot to do with it, but it’s funny how amazing our brains are, and I think we all often forget that the psychotropic effects we feel while on drugs are actually produced by our brains and that the drugs that we take are really only triggers, like the release in a dam. I’m sure it helps that I’m really tired.
Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about was how I seem to have this weird emerging problem. Well, it’s not really emerging as much as I’m just finally noticing, but I think I have a weird habit of hooking up with girls that have boyfriends. Let this be a warning to all of you non-single ladies out there! I’m just kidding, but I don’t really know why it happens. The first girlfriend I ever had, we were best friends beforehand while she was dating someone else. We did our fair share of flirting, etc., that ended up turning into more after she got dumped (not that that counts as cheating, but it still remains a sort of gray area). However, after she dumped me and got back together with him, she then cheated on him with me. The second girlfriend I ever had was dating someone else at the time, and she ended up cheating on him with me. It was high school, so whatever. But last night I hooked up with some girl, and I knew that she had a long term boyfriend, so yeah. And then I already told you guys about the other girl who cried while I was drunk—she and I have also had our share of events that could be called cheating, or pretty much are cheating I guess. And then there’s always the fun story about the two girls in one day debacle (not very much fun at the time) that turned out to be another case of a girl cheating on her boyfriend which I did not know about at the time.
That’s not to say that guys can’t trust me around their girlfriends because some of my closest female friends have boyfriends and it’s really all good (at least I hope), but I think that my history doesn’t really reflect well upon me. And what’s sort of even more distressing is that I really haven’t hooked up with that many girls in my life, and so that means that the majority of my hook ups have been some form of cheating, or at least vengeance on the part of the girl, haha. (I can think of at least one other example in which a girl hooked up with me to get her ex jealous.) So what does this all mean?
Am I some pawn in this game of attention grabbing? Or am I complicit in an entirely unethical way? I mean really, I’ve been single for two months and the only hooking up I’ve done has been with a taken woman/women (depending on interpretation). My text message inbox is filled with texts from girls with boyfriends. And trust me, I have most definitely been chasing single girls, or auditioning for whoredom in a bad way (see earlier posts).
For the record, it’s not like I chase women with men. Really, I’m just a manwhore, so anytime a girl throws herself at me I pretty much say yes. But the opposite holds true, if a person shows any signs of resistance, I immediately stop and allow them time to figure out what they want, always. Haha, especially if she’s not sure whether she wants to cheat on her boyfriend. It typically turns into a dual hook up and therapy session, haha. But yeah, I’m a slut. I’d definitely hook up with anyone if she were aggressive. Thankfully that really has never happened. Now if we’re talking about men, that’s another story… haha. Just kidding, or am I?
Back to the issue at hand, I think a part of it may be that I feel much more comfortable around women that have boyfriends because I don’t feel the urge to try to hook up with them, or really live up to any sort of boyfriend commitment standard. But how does that explain the cheating girls hooking up with me when I don’t even know they have boyfriends? It must be something about my personality that strikes them as very different from their current men. Maybe it’s my cavalier attitude to dating, but that doesn’t really count because I’ve only felt that way for the past two years or so, and the adulterous record extends throughout my young adult life. What I really think it comes down to is my willingness to listen to people talk. Maybe girls sense in me a kind ear that they’re not getting from their current boyfriend. Or maybe it’s that sense of instability I give off, whereas most long term boyfriends that have remained loyal tend to seem very safe and possibly boring. I’m not saying I’m like a bad boy biker, but I think I do give off a certain vibe of uncertainty (it could be partially fabricated, who knows?) So it’s this weird dual sort of trust and also an air of wildness, real or fake who knows? Which I’m assuming creates a sort of attraction that is the opposite of what they’re getting from their boyfriends. OR every guy has as many opportunities to hook up with taken women, and I’m just an asshole. (This may be the number one factor, haha.)
All that being said, I have been cheated on, but not in a very serious way that has ever affected me in a very dramatic way. Maybe it’s because I have a sort of laissez-faire attitude when it comes to cheating – insomuch that I don’t view it as an end all act as much as others do. I think it’s just a symptom of potentially larger problems in a relationship, and I also think that there are ways of cheating that aren’t physical. For example, I think there’s such thing as emotional cheating, in which you allow yourself to be closer emotionally to another person in a sort of romantic way. I’ve taken part in this with women before, and it typically precipitates physical cheating as well. I dunno, it’s all about trust I guess. And I think any violation of trust equates to hurt, and I don’t really regard a physical act as being any more duplicitous than an emotional one. But maybe that’s because I don’t think sex is a big deal. I also think that just because you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that you’re really there. For example, I think that you can leave someone emotionally despite still being there physically. I know for a fact that this has driven women, including those in my life, into the arms of others. And yeah, it’s really painful if you stop communicating with somebody who loves you. Just as bad as cheating, I’d say.
I must have some cosmically bad karma headed my way. Maybe the love of my life will torture me with her cheating ways. Good thing I don’t intend on having a love of my life. But a part of me still really feels that if a girl is going to cheat on her boyfriend with me, she should get up the courage to admit that maybe her relationship isn’t really satisfying her and break it off. It’s not like I have mad game and just convince perfectly happy girls to cheat on their boyfriends with me. I think I’m usually just serving as a substitute. It’s not like they’d rather be with me than their boyfriends, but I just happen to be at the right place at the right time (or the wrong place at the wrong time?) and offer a sort of different path.
I think some girls have really regretted their dealings with me, but I think others saw it as a sort of inevitability – like it was bound to happen with someone and it might as well have been me. I don’t know. I’m still really confused about all of this, but if current girl texts me again at 2 AM, I’ll probably tell her to come on over.
My advice to guys who might be the victims of cheating?
1) Quit cheating on your girlfriend, or at least don’t complain if she cheats on you. I’m always amazed by how broken and despondent guys are when their girlfriends cheat on them when the guy has been cheating on his girlfriend the entire time.
2) Break it off with her if you know that things are going poorly. I know it’s not easy, but it’s a lot easier than where your relationship is headed.
3) Try actually talking to your girlfriend. You like it when people care about you, and so does your girlfriend. If you sense a strong divide and a loss of that immediacy that you previously had, see suggestions #2.
4) Be exciting? I guess. I dunno. It is possible to be good to your girlfriend, be stable, but also be a lot of fun.
5) Fuck the long distance, that’s always when cheating happens. Just break it off. In fact, it’s likely she’ll wait for you if you break it off, haha.
6) Don’t let her talk on the phone or instant messenger with some other dude for 2 hours everyday. That dude paying that much attention to her should be you. Or, at least make sure that the dude is either a really good friend of yours or some really unattractive guy that she’s just using aka intellectual whore (I’ve been that guy plenty of times too). And if you’re not willing to give her that much attention, then maybe you should break it off with her and find a girl who doesn’t need or even like that much attention. See #2.
Please, everyone, feel free to tell me I’m full of shit. I often am. Also, it’s totally cool if you want to leave a comment telling me I’m an asshole.
*Update* I just remembered once when I was in Europe, an eighteen-year-old German girl and I had a very drunken night out that led to some very light kissing and petting, and she ended up getting really trashed and started crying because she felt bad because she loved her boyfriend. For some reason, that one was particularly funny to me. I guess they’re all kind of funny to me. Last night, the girl kept laughing along with me saying “hey, this isn’t funny” as she kept on laughing, and then hitting me. I am an asshole. In fact, I’m laughing right now as I type this.
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| I am going to preface everything I write by stating that I am both kinda drunk and sorta sleepy, but ti's 9 Am in california right now and so there's no one to talk to so i'll just have to talk to myself.
I've had one of those "jason goes to the dark side" nights because the ex was around this evening and she was being a bitch so I turned on the asshole "I don't give a fuck" mode.
I came to a realization today: the reason i feel like anytime I convince a girl to sleep with me that I'm actually tricking her into it is because I feel like I'm not worth any person caring aobut and so I must be pulling the wool over her eyes.
When I told Christine this, the person that I tell all of these overanalyzed half-baked ideas to, she said "I wonder if you stop harping on the fact that you have low self-esteem, you might wake up one day and realize you actually like yourself."
Well the refutation to that is every single time I go out I convince myself that I'm the man and totally great, but I came to this realization because it was a basic understanding of why I feel that being slept with means I"m taking advantage of a girl, and I didn't recognize that it was my own low feelings of self-worth that brought about that feeling until that very moment.
See... that's the thing, oops I did it again, but I have this friend whose gf kinda wants to have sex with me. Anyway, I got very very drunk on wednesday and did the whole jason passes out on the street thing, and I hazily remember her arguing with me when I told her to leave me alone and let me get home alone and she started crying. And that's the thing, I really need to stop doing this. Because half the time people cry over me because they don't understand why I hate myself so much and don't think i deserve anything, and obvioulsy that's a mindset that isn't really going to change so the key is to not let people in on that and not let people care about me. It has happened a few times in my life that when people cared bout me, I just felt guilty. I didn't ask for that. And sometimes all i really wnat is to be free from the constraints of human love so I can be as self destructive as I fucking well want to be.
Look, it's not my fault that these people think I'm better than I actually am, but whatever.
Wow, this has turned into some horrible pity fest -- that wasn't the point.
The point is that there are a million people out there who would commit and love you, so don't waste your time on me.
Why? Because there's only one fundamental concept that I truly undersatnd and appreciate, and that's freedom. Freedom to hate oneself. Freedom to achieve your desires. Freedom to underachieve, and not owe anything to fucking anyone.
But no, when somebody loves you, you owe it to them to love yourself. But the thing that they don't get is that "you can't say I love you without saying I" (yes, I did just quote Ayn Rand, disgursting right?) And look, I"m not going to love me just becuase you love me. I'm just gonna think you're crazy.
And yet, so many times I've loved people and couldn't undersatnd why they didn't love themselves as much as I loved them... and so I understand.
And in the end, I think the key is to not get so close that people feel invested in how you feel about yourself. See, I"m a liar. I tell people that I like being single becuase I don't want to be responsible for a girl's happiness... but the truth is that I'm fine with that, it's easy... just love them. But what I really don't want to be responsible for is their need to see me happy. Look, I can't even be happy for myself so how the fuck am I supposed to do that for you?
I am so full of shit.
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| Okay, so I tried to go to the pharmacy today to get amoxicillin, an antibiotic specifically for the use of respiratory tract and genito-urinary tract infections. I'll let you guess which one I used it for. Anyway, they wouldn't let me purchase it. She was adamant, saying that the pharmacy refused to allow people to purchase these medications without a prescription; it never had, and it never would. I was pretty pissed off because I was coughing my lungs out on her counter, and just last week I had bought the same exact fucking box for one of my students without a prescription. After more arguing in Chinese and her trying to make me buy some scary looking brown round pill, I decided to leave. I then went to another pharmacy, where they said the exact same thing, and then under her breath told me that I could buy prescription drugs without a prescription after the olympics.
After the olympics.
That's been like the nirvana at the end of the tunnel. Seriously, Beijing sucks now that the olympics are almost here. Cheap illegal DVDs? Gone. Excellent and cheap street food? Gone. High USD to the low RMB? Gone. Low cost rent? Gone. Easy to get visas? Gone. Hip Hop clubs in which Chinese women dress slutty, dance poorly, and hope to impress rich men with their western ways of drinking, dancing, and potential promiscuity? Gone.
Pollution? Still here. Lack of basic human rights? Still here.
Of course, hopefully all of good things about Beijing will return after the olympics. Because we know the smog will still be here.
Oddly enough, they've expanded the list of sites you can see freely through the "great firewall of china," including xanga. But I still can't post without a proxy. Methinks it's part of the "openness" they hope to show the world now that they're an olympic host. While you can access the BBC website the Asia Pacific section is still blocked -- this article in particular featuring my friend who was imprisoned:
China tightens controls as Games loom
BBC News - UK
Human rights activist Hou Wenzhuo said she was locked up in Beijing's
notorious Qincheng Prison last month. The 38-year-old says she was
interrogated for 18 ...
<http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7500343.stm>
Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell. The more things change, the more they stay the same. | | |
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